Worth the Fight?

Today as I was sifting through my mail, Jax grabbed a hold of a particular letter and began to chew on it. Nervous that he might bite a piece off and choke on it I took it away from him. He looked at me, squinted his little face, and began to wail. A little startled, because he had never done this before, I gave him back the paper to see if that's what he was upset about. He immediately stopped crying and resumed chewing on it. "Oh, really," I thought. So, I took it away from him again and he began to cry in protest again. This was the first time he has showed a little will and thrown a fit. I'm sure it will not be the last. Not entirely sure how to handle it, I looked at him and said, "Jax, throwing a fit and crying will never give you what you want from us. Now, if you calm down I will give you something else to chew on because that is not good for you." He stopped crying, looked at me (not knowing entirely what I said, but understanding my tone) and sighed in defeat. I gave him another toy and he chewed in perfect contentedness. This is just the beginning... I used to be a teacher and one of the main reasons I quit is because I hate disciplining other people's kids. Now that I have my own, I'm not sure what it will be like, how we'll do it, or what is best. Any good book recommendations out there? When I think of examples with the Lord I have questions. Sometimes, he stones people and sometimes he shows such grace that he asks "he who has not sinned" to cast the first stone. God's discipline is a mystery to me. It is both painful and relieving. It both chafes and heals. It is my enemy and my friend. In Proverbs it says, "He that loves discipline loves knowledge, and he that hates reproof is a fool." I am both a fool and I love to grow. May I learn to ride the rhythms of wisdom in love and discipline, in firmness and grace, in conflict and restoration. Sometimes discipline is the only means to get to a peaceful end. Love is tough and love will fight for what is best even when its hard. As long as we are on this earth there will be trouble (I've heard this somewhere before ;) and when we stop fighting we surrender to the enemy and acquiesce to mediocrity. If we want our children, ourselves, our world to be better we must be willing to face conflict/fear/doubt and accept discipline with humility of heart and strive for what is best and noble and good. I want what is best for Jax, so we will fight and he will know that he is worth the struggle.

Timone and Jax

We have a beautiful, fat, Siamese cat. He is sassy and loud and lives outside since we've had Jax. Its interesting how pets are no longer your children once you have children. They are now pets. We still love them, but our lives' attention has shifted to our little human child. Today I took Jax outside to sit on the porch for a bit. The weather is perfect, the sun is shining, and there is loud Timone rubbing his fat body up against us. (I'm also allergic to him, btw). At first, Jax isn't sure what to do, but as he realizes this new creature is his friend and not his foe he reaches out and grabs Timone's tail. Timone, the slightly freakish cat that he is, LOVES this kind of attention. He is suddenly all about Jax and rubs his body and head all over Jax's hands. Jax continues to grab Timone pulling out fistfulls of hair while Timone purrs all the more (like I said, he's a little freaky cat). They are now buddies :)
Babies have such a gift for inclusion. Everything that is different is new and exciting. They want to learn from it, touch it, eat it, explore it, and be delighted in it. Somewhere along the way we teach them, through either culture or example or I'm not sure, that difference is an obstacle. We take them to church with people like them, they go to school with people like them, they play with people like them and likeness becomes familiarity and safety and comfort. I want to be like a child that embraces difference and appreciates the beauty of something not like me. I want to learn from dissimilar perspectives and eat of the unknown. I want to delight in diversity and find strength in uniqueness. God made so many different species to be explored and to function in our world in harmony. Sin made the differences fearful and ugly. But God is beautiful with all of His colors and variety. He is the master artist and I want to eat of His tree of life with the "healing of the nations" (Revelation) forever.

Lifeproofing

Jax has gotten to the age where he is just about to crawl. He lays on his belly and puts all his extremities in the air like he is flying and scoots. He has also tried leaving his shoulders on the ground and pushing against the ground with his feet usually resulting in a face plant. He has attempted the opposite version where he just lifts his chest off the ground and pulls himself forward. Jax has mastered spinning in a circle on his belly, but no crawling yet. Because he is so close, all the experts say it is time to "babyproof" the house. And the list of how to do this - extensive! It is easily a book. You have to get cupboard and drawer doohickeys to keep Jax out, non-slippery mats for inside the tubs, bumpers for around you furniture with sharp corners and edges (that look really good btw), door fences for certain rooms, all cleaning supplies need to be locked up and out of reach, soft cover bathtub spouts, seal oven door with appliance latch, cover all outlets with protectors, latch the refrigerator shut, install a toilet seat lock, any small object that could be choked on needs to be locked up or out of reach (an amazing amount of things actually), no unedible plants, no classy decorating, no fun, and you must all LIVE IN SEPARATE CAGES! Seriously, I want my baby to be safe, but how much is too much? The claim for all of these are because something happened to some baby and now you need to protect him from the 1 millionth chance of it happening to yours. But, I'll be honest, I worked in a pediatric ICU for two years and out of all the babies in eastern Tennessee and northern GA, there was one patient I had that had a tragic outcome from "accidental" things in the home. Definitely the things like put your cleaning supplies out of reach and cover electrical outlets should be done. Those are common injuries. But what happened to watching your kids and teaching them what is safe and what is not? What happened to letting them get some bumps and scratches as they learn about life? As he gets older the same dangers still exist, but they are outside of my control. He will eventually ride a bike. I will not always be there when he does, all I can do is hope he has learned enough to look both ways and watch for cars. Then, he'll drive. He'll go rock climbing and do things I'll never know about and don't want to! I can't protect him from life and experiments. All I can do is pray for him, love him, do the best I can while he's small and hope he makes good decisions. God does the same with us. He gave us His Word and now He hopes that we will heed the lessons given to protect us from harm and to save us from the mistakes we would make on our own. But He is not overprotective and allows us to learn through the bruises and scrapes of life. What a good free God!

Holding Time

I have always been a very impatient person. I will pay extra for something to be done 5 minutes faster. Time is more valuable to me than money. I feel like money is replaceable. I can never get moments back. My husband disagrees with me on this regularly. Money is more valuable than time because it represents the future for him. He lives very much in the future. I live in the present. Some people live in the past. I honestly can't even remember 5 minutes ago. And the future is never certain as evidenced everyday to me in my profession (a nurse). Jax adds a whole new dynamic. As an infant, he only knows the present. He has not learned the value of a dollar or what things cost. He also does not understand time or its relevance. In my job and life, I am always trying to figure out how to make things more efficient so I can do more in my present time. With Jax, there is a new element to life and presence. He takes, no... he holds time. I have to feed him slowly as he is learning and enjoying each and ever bite. He likes to play the same game over and over again and giggle with delight as though it is the first time he has played. He likes us to sit and stare at each other as he explores my face with his hands. He knows how to be present. It's all he knows in fact. With Jax, efficiency is not a goal. Enjoying and discovering are what he is interested in. My present mentality is shifting because of him. I ditch efficiency for a smile or to hold him while he cries. He is who I want to be present for. Patience is being learned as I am discovering the beauty of embracing moments that may get other tasks behind, but that I may never experience again. Or that Jax may never experience again. I am giving him my time and it may be one of the best gifts I can give him. "Come. Let us rest awhile..." Let us be fully present in the moments that matter most. With our friends, families, strangers, coworkers, and most of all God. God has so many moments for us that we rush by and miss. Lord, help us to know when to stop and when to go. Like the game "red light green light." Guide us to what matters most and let the other things fall by the wayside. Make us good stewards of every moment that You have blessed us with. Amen.

Peas and Bananas

One of the best things about being a parent is all the "firsts." To watch his little face enlighten with joy as he embarks on a new discovery is priceless. Jax is almost 6 months now, so the discoveries are starting to happen daily as his little mind is awakening and his sight and mobility have strengthened to capture more of what is around him. Crawling is coming too soon...My favorite recent adventures have been new foods. At about 5 months and one week we started him on solids. I'll never forget his first bite (he does the same thing with each new food). He pauses, moves the pureed item around in his mouth for a couple of seconds, looks at me, and then quickly opens his mouth for another bite! Peas were his first experiment. And he gave me this look like, "Why have you been holding out on me?" Today we did bananas for the first time. His first "sweet" food. And again, I got the face of magical wonder as he tasted the deliciousness of his first fruit. My life is so much more exciting than it was before Jax. As he experiences and sees everything for the first time, I feel as though I am too. I find myself wanting to eat his food even though I've had it a million times before. But somehow his is so much better than what I take for granted. I am excited to show him his first squirrell (sp?). I can't wait to make his first snowman. It will be amazing to run in the rain for the first time. And, oh! when he understands and experiences the love of Jesus as His own. Life is fresh, new, and ALIVE again in more ways than I could have imagined. May this be our experience with God as well. May we rekindle and find that first love, that first passion, and thrive in the experience of His grace.

A couple of sickos

My husband caught a nasty cold last week. Then, Saturday, it caught up with me. And then Monday it followed my son around until he couldn't outrun it anymore. Thankfully, Brennon is better (my hubbie) and now it's just us - a couple of sickos. This is Jax's first cold. His little nose is congested (and baby's are nose-breathers), his little voice is crackly, and he does not yet know how to cover his mouth when he coughs and sneezes :) His little throat hurts and this all makes it difficult for him to eat. Breaks Mommy's heart! And it occurred to me that I cannot protect him from all illnesses. This is only his FIRST cold, maybe even for this season. There will be more. And there will be flus, and chicken pox, and bee stings, and sprained ankles, and broken bones, and.....broken hearts. I can aid him in good decision making, how to turn the worst into the best, and I can hold him when it's hard. But, I can't save him from the harm in this world. All I can do is point him to the One who has already given His life to save him from this world of woe. And help prepare him for when He comes to take us to our happy home with no more sickness, no more fear, just blessed peace and fullness of joy. And hope/pray that through example he learns to grab hold of Him on his own.

Road Trip for Love

Jax and I just took a rode trip....ALONE. What is normally a 10 hour drive became a 12 hour drive, what normally would be two stops was about 5 (not bad really), and where I used to listen to my favorite musical groups and dance in the car, I now listened to lullabies and children songs. This could have been very difficult, but because I love my boy and his company so much, all I cared about was the trip being as easy for him as possible and that he was not feeling abandoned in the back seat by himself. When I dated my husband, he loved to get up early in the morning and go for walks (I do not enjoy getting up early), but I adjusted to his earliness because I wanted to spend more time with him. When we love someone we are willing to adapt and adjust to help make life a little better for them and sacrifice so we can be together. In the church, sometimes, it seems like we expect everyone else to adapt to us - in music, in order of service, in friendliness, in initiation of greeting, in giving, in food, in preaching, etc. I think Paul said something about this, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves..." Phil. 2:3. Sometimes I think Jax teaches me so much more than I will teach him.