Placenta Accreta/Increta uh, what?!

So, I went in for my scheduled c-section on April 11 at 5 am. Scarlett was already giving me labor pains 3-4 minutes apart; so this was her day ready or not! The nurses on the OB floor were all whispering about me. Isn't she our lactation counselor? Why is she having a repeat c-section. She would be a perfect candidate for a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean section)? And, they are right. I would be. And this was the looks I was used to from the last ten months of judgment when I would tell people I was doing a repeat by choice. But I couldn't shake it! Everytime I would pray about it or even think about a VBAC this overwhelming dread would come over me. I shared this with some of my friends and a couple of nurses that I work with - I just felt like I would hemorrhage or maybe even die if I had a vaginal birth. I'd felt that way my whole life. So, when I had to do an emergency c-section on my first one, I felt a little relieved. But, fear is normal, I would tell myself. Everyone is afraid, but this was different. So, in the middle of my repeat, my nurse turns to me and says, "Hey, you were right. If you would have delivered vaginally you would have hemorrhaged and we would have had to do an emergency hysterectomy on you to try and save your life." Excuse me...what was that? And then my doctor preceded to tell me that I had something called placenta increta which google shared with me is a disorder where the placenta embeds too deeply in the uterus and causes major damage when delivered, sometimes into your muscle, sometimes into your organs. And it gets worse with each pregnancy. Thankfully, we had decided not to have any more, so the doc just tied things up and called it a day. A friend of mine heard me share this and told me a lady in her church died last year who had the same thing. They weren't able to get enough blood to her in time...I can't imagine my children being without their mother. I can't imagine what would have happened had I listened to the seemingly sound voices around me. I'm just thankful for that still small voice that guides me sometimes without me even knowing to the right or to the left.

Okay, so it has been 1000 years since I've written. Its amazing how your entire life can change around a little person. Since my last post, I have changed careers. I am now a lactation counselor, so I can be home more and live more flexibly. I quit my masters program because I was resenting anything that took time away from Jax that was not necessary. I have travelled to Australia, Seattle, California, Michigan, Maryland, Nebraska, Florida, and am presently in Chicago. Through all these travels discovered teh importance of the minivan club. We officially joined this week! And, in two short months we will bw adding a new little creature to the world - Baby Scarlett Ashtyn (but I reserve the right to change the name up until the day she is born, so don't monogram anything!). And in all of this hustle and transitioning, it can feel sometimes like you are losing yourself. Who was I before Jax? What did I do with my time? Are my skills and gifts diminishing? Will I ever get my brain back since my first pregnancy? And these questions are difficult because the reality is - I will never be the same. Being a Mommy has fundamentally changed my view of life, values, spirituality, and of myself. There is no going back. Through Jax I am becoming more organized, clean, responsible, and loving though other character traits are being left behind like spontaneity, independence, and ambition. I am losing some of my nursing skills and gaining skills in discipline, time management, and breastfeeding :) Many say my brain will never return, but that is the process of life as mind and body degenerate over time I hope my heart continues to grow and beat wth greater endurance and strength to prevail in whatever comes my way. And spiritually, things are just DIFFERENT. I have no consistent prayer or worship life, but I definitely feel my need of Him more. And while my swirling life is in constant change, God remains the same. He does not shift as I so often do, His love for me is constant and present and available for all of life's transitions.