And the baby gold medal goes to....

Recently I've become aware of the amazing amount of stress of competition babies come into the world with. Immediately, people say "He is the cutest baby ever" or "Oh! She just has the sweetest smile!" or "Wow, he is very advanced developmentally!" You rarely hear, "You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen" or "Your baby is just not the sharpest toy in the box." At least not to your face. We seem to have an obsession to make sure our children are keeping up with the Smiths (just tired of the other name). I remember as a child overhearing my parents talk with my aunts and uncles about our athletic abilities. "Well, Brandy can blah blah blah." "Well, you should see my daughter blah blah blah." Why do we feel the need for our children to be "better". Is it for the lack in our own lives? Why do we feel that we need to be better than others? And what is the standard for what is better or what is best? I was always "good" at track, but sure enough there was always someone who could run faster. And even if I was able to be the fastest person on this planet, someone in twenty years would break my record. And even if no one could break my record, there is is whole universe out there that can travel faster than I can think. And even then, if I was the fastest mover in the whole universe, what then? Am I loved more? Do I get to escape the hands of death? Is my worth of greater value? To whom? So, why are we obsessed with comparisons? In heaven, the first shall be last and the greatest are those who serve most. I think I remember a conversation similar to this where Jesus' besties were asking who is the greatest, who will get to sit next to Him in the hereafter. Jesus was like, "You guys don't get it. You don't realize what your asking for." And they died martyrs deaths. Who is greatest, who is best is not based on IQ scores, athletic ability, the amount of money you make, or how fast your child can learn to talk. There is only ONE GREAT, there is only ONE BEST, and as long as He is my standard, I will always fall short, and I will always be in exactly the right place. The only person I should be comparing myself to is myself, so that in the light of Jesus Christ and through His strength I can become the unique wonderful beautiful person He created me to be. I hope my son grows up knowing there is nothing he can do or be that would make me love him any more or less. He is loved because he exISts, and no other can earn his place in my heart. It is not earned, it is given. Freely. No strings attached. Just love.

A Beautiful Mess

So today I'm feeding my sweet baby boy, and he suddenly pauses sucking, his eyes squint a little, he looks off to a far away place, and the rumbling begins. I have seen and heard this many times when my tiny baby is releasing his seemingly large bowels. No worries! He has a diaper. We will finish our feeding like usual, burp, and then change. The last two days he has...um...digested so much that it has come out the back of his diaper and through his clothes and onto me (both times at church functions - always bring extra clothes!). Anyhoo, so while burping him I though I would peak behind him to make sure no leakage had occurred. And, PTL, I thought, it was indeed visible, but just to the very top of the diaper. No leakage! So I take a moment and hold my baby sweetly to my chest in a moment of relief and sweetness. A few minutes after this warm snuggling I carry him into the changing room and gently pull him away from my chest to find my shirt completely stuck to his thigh. Oh yes! It did not leak out the back, but out the front and created a large spot of formed formula the size of a plate on the front of my shirt. His entire leg is coated and he thinks this is all hilarious :) Obviously I need new diapers. But, in that moment, in all honesty, the joy on his face actually dispelled the messiness of the matter. And I realized that life is messy, LOVE is messy. We are all too sinful to get things perfect al the time and the things we make to try and hide or prevent or clean up our imperfections sometimes make them more visible. But God has given us so many better things to focus on like butterflies, kittens, rainbows, trees, small breezes, freshly baked bread, friends, family, the smile on a baby's face...His own Son revealing the goodness and grace He has for us, and the promise of a future without messiness. Perfection. But, (side note) I have always wondered if we will have bowels in heaven (I would think so since we seemed to have them originally) and how that will play out there. Maybe a little messiness will still be there ... :) Either way it will be overshadowed by the amazing beauty of heaven and joy.

Somebody's Baby

Everyone tells you when you are having a baby that it will "change your life forever." And though you think you understand what they are saying, you really don't until the change hits you like a bomb falling from the sky. The change isn't bad. In fact it is definitely potentially the best thing for you in your life. It is just the AMOUNT of change. I expected it to change my sleep patterns, my daily routines, the cleanliness of my house, my priorities, my social life, my experience in the depth that you can love something, my body, my nursing skills, and my marriage. I didn't expect it to change WHO I AM. And maybe it didn't. Maybe he is just bringing out different parts of me that were unused. I'm not sure, but the world looks different now and I view people differently. Suddenly, everyone is "somebody's baby." Everyone had a Mom who gave birth to them who carried them in their womb and sustained their life. Everyone was loved. Maybe not to the same degree, but everyone was loved. So, now it is more difficult to watch the pain of others and to judge so harshly because they are somebody's baby and might as well be my own. They were once this adorable, little adventurous, curious creature that lights up the room with a smile. And life genetics, circumstances, SIN caused those babies to change into whatever they have become. And my boy will be influenced by all of that as well. And then there is God who has adopted each one of us as His Own. Who knows every hair on my head (which isn't much these days, but I read that it grows back, PTL!). Can you imagine when He created Adam and Eve and loved them so much said, "Be fruitful and multiply" because I can't get enough of you. I need more of you for all of eternity! So, here we are. Here are the human beings on this earth. Here is my boy. I am not the same person anymore. I cannot judge as harshly. I feel more compassion. I NEED more of GOD. Not just on an intellectual level but like a physical need for food. The closer you get to Him, the more you feel your NEED of Him. Praise the Lord that "nothing can separate us from the Love of God" or I would be toast already. Hell would have come early for me. But my God who sees us all as His children has compassion on me. Hallelujah.

He is Jealous for Me

One month ago I had to rejoin the ranks of the U.S. working force and leave my baby boy to the care of...others. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing caretakers. My husband watches him on Sundays or Fridays and my friend, Michelle (who is an OB nurse) watches him on Wed or Thur. I'm only working two days a week, but at two different hospitals. Each of them begging for me to work more days each week. This is a problem. I will NOT be away from my baby more than two days a week. I may help with a half shift on occasion, but no more than that. Not only can I not handle being away from him more emotionally, but i feel like I physically ache when I am away from him too much and I feel sick to my stomach. They are little for only a short amount of time and I am jealous of that time. I am jealous when he giggles for the first time at the babysitters house.I am jealous when someone else is holding him. I am jealous for every smile. I want to experience these precious moments with him and when he gets older and its time for him to experience things on his own than I will have to learn to let go, but not at 3 months old! I have jealousy issues. This got me thinking about how the Lord feels about us. "For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord is a jealous God" Ex. 34:14, "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God" Deut. 4:24, "Thus says the Lord, 'I am jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I am jealous for her with great wrath.'" The Lord is jealous for us. He feels the ache of separation when we separate ourselves from him through our choices and sins. He is jealously desiring our attention and reconciliation with Him regularly. So much so that He was willing to be separated from His own Son through Hell and back in order to be with us. I can't imagine that kind of separation from my son. What powerful Love!