Language of Babies

www.babysignlanguage.com

Really excited to try this! It will help me understand Jax and teach him things early on. My cousins kids were learning colors and were able to communicate their needs more effectively than crying. Love love love anything that helps eliminate crying as the communication tool!

The Cry for Home

The past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly ooc (out of control, for those who don't know). We went on vaca to Sunset Beach. Beautiful, awesome, and in the middle of our vaca we got the call that my husband's grandfather died - on Father's Day :( So, we packed up our stuff and went up to Maryland for another several days. My poor baby has been out of whack. He has never cried so much. He travels super well in the car and then when we get to a new place, he cries for the next 24 hours every time he is awake. When we got home he didn't do this. He peacefully returned back to whatever and however we were living before as though there was no interruption. I heard a quote from Maya Angelou this morning, “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” Where is home? Is it a place? Is it a person? Is it a dream? Is it a pet? Is it a family home or Grandma's porch? Is it a church you grew up in? Is it in Mama's cooking? Is it a country or a state? And, does it have to be somewhere we've been before to truly feel like home? Or can it be somewhere we hope for? My life has consisted of much change and movement. When I think of home on this earth I feel the pangs of disappointment and loss. And in asking myself these questions there is one vision that appears over and over in my head as where I feel like I'm most home - my head resting on the chest of Jesus as He holds me close and whispers to me that "everything is going to be okay." Maybe not here, but I have a home awaiting me where there will be no more heartache and loss and pain and death. Just peace like a river with the Savior stroking my hair fully loved and accepted as I am.

Calming the Inconsolable

What a week it has been! We just took as vacation to the beach to meet up with Jax's cousins for their very first meeting. This was a nine hour drive, an adventure of carseats and diaper changing (without diapers since somehow we managed to leave them twice!), and formula formula formula. In the car we were like, "Wow! We have the perfect travelling baby." Not a peep was made from the little angel in a onesie. Then came the next morning of wailing and the afternoon of wailing and the evening of wailing. Then we were like, "Who is this child?!?! I have never met him and someone excercise him please!" I guess the traveloling and transitions were just too hard on him. And as frustrating as it was, what made it worse was the fact that my husband and I argued most of the trip. Not because of anything except WHO got to be the one to console him. We each wanted to be heroes and wanteed to feel that we could soothe and comfort him. And I thought, "Wow. To love something so much that even when they are at their worst the love is unchanged." I hope we always feel that way and my desire is for Jax to know that no matter what he does we love him no less just as His heavenly Father has loved us.

How will Jax eat?

This morning I was feeding my baby boy and I realized that we are all born completely dependent. So much so that we will actually die without another human's intervention. We cannot feed ourselves, quench our own thirst, wash our own bodies, protect ourselves from the elements, and some newborns cannot even breathe on their own at the beginning of life. Why would a Creator design us this way? Why would we be made so vulnerable? Isn't it interesting that God Himself is made up of three beings - the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We live in such an independent world that teaches us we need to be able to "stand on our own" and "fight for ourselves" and "do what is best for you." But maybe that is not what we were created to be. Maybe we are supposed to be interdependent. Maybe we are supposed to need each other. And just maybe things work best the more we work and live interdependently with one another. "For the Body is not one member but many..." 1 Cor. 12.

Is Jesus Enough?

While doing weights at the gym this morning (for the second time in probably a year), I was listening to a song about how Jesus is enough. It got me thinking - is He enough? So, I looked up the definition of enough which is as follows:

Noun
-adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead.
Pronoun
-an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.
Adverb
-in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently.
Interjection
(used to express impatience or exasperation): Enough! I heard you the first time.

When I think of the word enough, I think of something that just satisfies, is adequate, or sufficient. Is that really a good representative of Jesus who wants to give us life and give it abundantly?! Jesus is so much more than enough. He doesn't just quench my thirst, He makes me so I never thirst again! He doesn't just satisfy my hunger, He fills me with food everlasting! He doesn't just heal my wounds, He restores my soul! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the End. Who/what can compare to the overwhelming love and supply that God has for us? Is He enough? No. He is far surpassing what our feeble minds can even think or dream. He is not enough. He is ALL.

The Battle of Nutramigen

Baby Jax was born with food "sensitivities." They won't call them allergies because they cannot be tested for like an allergen. There is really no way to know exactly what the sensitivities are except by eliminating groups of foods and adding small amounts back in one at a time to see which one causes a reaction. The most common of these "sensitivities" is milk for infants because the size of the protein is too large for immature bellies to digest. So, that was the first culprit. Thankfully, they grow out of this around one year of age.
Since I was breastfeeding I had to eliminate any kind of dairy including whey, casein, lactose, anything that has the protein in it. Since I was a strict vegan for three or four years this was not too difficult for me. ( I have many great recipes and cookbooks for those who need/want them).
They check for reactions by checking the stool for blood (not visible in the stool PTL!), but when they apply a certain chemical, the stool will turn blue if there is any. One week after being off dairy, it was still blue. So, we eliminated soy (not easy for a vegetarian!) One month after that, the stool was still blue. Now, we have to get rid of peanut butter and eggs. I am watching all of my food options disappear. And Jax not getting better :(
Then I got some GI bug that caused all sorts of nasty, you don't want to hear about, for several days. My breastmilk supply plummeted and I didn't have enough to feed him, so we put him on Nutramigen to supplement because it is made for babies with these sensitivities. He did amazing on it! His grunting/straining decreased immensely, his stool cleared up to perfect, and he was feeling overall better just after 24 hours! We were stunned. I told the pediatrician and she said she has never seen it work that fast, it must be a coincidence and he probably just got better. So, back to breastmilk we went and back to bloody, mucus stools. So, now comes the dilemma of whether to keep eliminating and letting him be miserable or giving up and going with Nutramigen. We attempted doing both and he still reacts. Only Nutramigen by itself clears him up (which, btw, is like the most expensive formula).
This broke my heart completely because even though breastfeeding has its challenges it was also some of the most precious times of my life. I have never experienced something so beautiful as the being able to provide the nutrients of life to another tiny human dependent on you. And though formula is fine to give Jax what he needs, I felt devastated. I was sad, for one, because I felt like a failure as a Mother. Almost like a Father not being able to provide for his family. And two, I loooove the bonding time and how it strengthens him to me (so many spiritual parallels). And, oddly, I also felt disappointed at the idea of not having to sacrifice my diet anymore. This was the strangest feeling for me because I had read in the Bible "Count it all joy when you go through trials..." James 1:2. And many other references to the joy of GETTING to sacrifice for Christ or others, but I never understood it because I'm like, "Yeah, I'm willing to sacrifice, but I don't generally like it." And yet here I am sad because I loved that I got the privilege of sacrificing for my son. It made me feel closer to him and it was loving him on a whole new level where he was more important than myself. And suddenly, again, I realized a small portion of how God feels about us. And also the joy of the martyrs who were able to sing hymns of praise to their Lord as they died on His behalf. What love! What sacrifice! God, please grant me the love for you and others on the level where I am filled with joy at the opportunity to sacrifice.

PUPPP and JAX

Jax was due on May 2, 2011. At 35 weeks into my pregnancy I developed a rash around my belly button. The itching drove me crazy, but isolated in one place it was tolerable. Within the next two weeks it spread to my arms, legs, butt, and whole stomach. The doctor had me on Benadryl and Zyrtec everyday with some hydrocortisone cream. Nothing helped! It felt like I had poison oak all over my body and could get no relief. The only momentary alleviation was when I would take a cold bath which was another kind of misery within itself. I was diagnosed with a rare disorder called PUPPP.

The only cure is birth! This is so miserable I can't even begin to explain. I was able to wait until 37 1/2 weeks but my PUPPP began to multiply by the hour and so my OBGYN recommended a rushed C-section if his lungs were developed enough. They were! PTL! So Jax came on April 14, 2011. After a short NICU stay for him (for antibiotics) and a speedy recovery for me, we were home after two days.

Unfortunately, it still takes PUPPP a couple of weeks to disappear. So, here I am miserable AND have this new-born baby. Prayer was my constant! It was to slowest two weeks of my life and now I am itch-free (though i did get a small case of poison oak after, the irony) and loving Mommyhood with all its challenges and joys.
Everyone told me before I had a baby that it would change my life forever. And though this is true, I would more accurately say in my experience that it changed my heart. Something happened when Jax was born from the first cry as he came out of the womb. Suddenly the world looks different. It looks more tangible and full of life and humans are more beautiful and I have a strange new compassion I didn't have before. God looks different. He looks colorful and wild and soft. The love He has for us is amplified through my baby's eyes. For the first week I cried when I would look at him and it was just the two of us. Im sure some of this was postpartum, but it was also experiencing a deeper love than I had ever experienced before. And then came fear of losing him. And then came a minute fraction of understanding of how it must have been to give His Son on the cross. And then came trust that if He was able to give up this great love for us that He would always have my best and Jax's best in mind so that no matter what happens, and no matter what pain we may experience, He will give us strength to endure and heal our broken hearts until the day comes when we are all in harmony face to face abounding in love with no more separation and no more death. Life is forever changed...