The Battle of Nutramigen

Baby Jax was born with food "sensitivities." They won't call them allergies because they cannot be tested for like an allergen. There is really no way to know exactly what the sensitivities are except by eliminating groups of foods and adding small amounts back in one at a time to see which one causes a reaction. The most common of these "sensitivities" is milk for infants because the size of the protein is too large for immature bellies to digest. So, that was the first culprit. Thankfully, they grow out of this around one year of age.
Since I was breastfeeding I had to eliminate any kind of dairy including whey, casein, lactose, anything that has the protein in it. Since I was a strict vegan for three or four years this was not too difficult for me. ( I have many great recipes and cookbooks for those who need/want them).
They check for reactions by checking the stool for blood (not visible in the stool PTL!), but when they apply a certain chemical, the stool will turn blue if there is any. One week after being off dairy, it was still blue. So, we eliminated soy (not easy for a vegetarian!) One month after that, the stool was still blue. Now, we have to get rid of peanut butter and eggs. I am watching all of my food options disappear. And Jax not getting better :(
Then I got some GI bug that caused all sorts of nasty, you don't want to hear about, for several days. My breastmilk supply plummeted and I didn't have enough to feed him, so we put him on Nutramigen to supplement because it is made for babies with these sensitivities. He did amazing on it! His grunting/straining decreased immensely, his stool cleared up to perfect, and he was feeling overall better just after 24 hours! We were stunned. I told the pediatrician and she said she has never seen it work that fast, it must be a coincidence and he probably just got better. So, back to breastmilk we went and back to bloody, mucus stools. So, now comes the dilemma of whether to keep eliminating and letting him be miserable or giving up and going with Nutramigen. We attempted doing both and he still reacts. Only Nutramigen by itself clears him up (which, btw, is like the most expensive formula).
This broke my heart completely because even though breastfeeding has its challenges it was also some of the most precious times of my life. I have never experienced something so beautiful as the being able to provide the nutrients of life to another tiny human dependent on you. And though formula is fine to give Jax what he needs, I felt devastated. I was sad, for one, because I felt like a failure as a Mother. Almost like a Father not being able to provide for his family. And two, I loooove the bonding time and how it strengthens him to me (so many spiritual parallels). And, oddly, I also felt disappointed at the idea of not having to sacrifice my diet anymore. This was the strangest feeling for me because I had read in the Bible "Count it all joy when you go through trials..." James 1:2. And many other references to the joy of GETTING to sacrifice for Christ or others, but I never understood it because I'm like, "Yeah, I'm willing to sacrifice, but I don't generally like it." And yet here I am sad because I loved that I got the privilege of sacrificing for my son. It made me feel closer to him and it was loving him on a whole new level where he was more important than myself. And suddenly, again, I realized a small portion of how God feels about us. And also the joy of the martyrs who were able to sing hymns of praise to their Lord as they died on His behalf. What love! What sacrifice! God, please grant me the love for you and others on the level where I am filled with joy at the opportunity to sacrifice.