Worth the Fight?

Today as I was sifting through my mail, Jax grabbed a hold of a particular letter and began to chew on it. Nervous that he might bite a piece off and choke on it I took it away from him. He looked at me, squinted his little face, and began to wail. A little startled, because he had never done this before, I gave him back the paper to see if that's what he was upset about. He immediately stopped crying and resumed chewing on it. "Oh, really," I thought. So, I took it away from him again and he began to cry in protest again. This was the first time he has showed a little will and thrown a fit. I'm sure it will not be the last. Not entirely sure how to handle it, I looked at him and said, "Jax, throwing a fit and crying will never give you what you want from us. Now, if you calm down I will give you something else to chew on because that is not good for you." He stopped crying, looked at me (not knowing entirely what I said, but understanding my tone) and sighed in defeat. I gave him another toy and he chewed in perfect contentedness. This is just the beginning... I used to be a teacher and one of the main reasons I quit is because I hate disciplining other people's kids. Now that I have my own, I'm not sure what it will be like, how we'll do it, or what is best. Any good book recommendations out there? When I think of examples with the Lord I have questions. Sometimes, he stones people and sometimes he shows such grace that he asks "he who has not sinned" to cast the first stone. God's discipline is a mystery to me. It is both painful and relieving. It both chafes and heals. It is my enemy and my friend. In Proverbs it says, "He that loves discipline loves knowledge, and he that hates reproof is a fool." I am both a fool and I love to grow. May I learn to ride the rhythms of wisdom in love and discipline, in firmness and grace, in conflict and restoration. Sometimes discipline is the only means to get to a peaceful end. Love is tough and love will fight for what is best even when its hard. As long as we are on this earth there will be trouble (I've heard this somewhere before ;) and when we stop fighting we surrender to the enemy and acquiesce to mediocrity. If we want our children, ourselves, our world to be better we must be willing to face conflict/fear/doubt and accept discipline with humility of heart and strive for what is best and noble and good. I want what is best for Jax, so we will fight and he will know that he is worth the struggle.

Timone and Jax

We have a beautiful, fat, Siamese cat. He is sassy and loud and lives outside since we've had Jax. Its interesting how pets are no longer your children once you have children. They are now pets. We still love them, but our lives' attention has shifted to our little human child. Today I took Jax outside to sit on the porch for a bit. The weather is perfect, the sun is shining, and there is loud Timone rubbing his fat body up against us. (I'm also allergic to him, btw). At first, Jax isn't sure what to do, but as he realizes this new creature is his friend and not his foe he reaches out and grabs Timone's tail. Timone, the slightly freakish cat that he is, LOVES this kind of attention. He is suddenly all about Jax and rubs his body and head all over Jax's hands. Jax continues to grab Timone pulling out fistfulls of hair while Timone purrs all the more (like I said, he's a little freaky cat). They are now buddies :)
Babies have such a gift for inclusion. Everything that is different is new and exciting. They want to learn from it, touch it, eat it, explore it, and be delighted in it. Somewhere along the way we teach them, through either culture or example or I'm not sure, that difference is an obstacle. We take them to church with people like them, they go to school with people like them, they play with people like them and likeness becomes familiarity and safety and comfort. I want to be like a child that embraces difference and appreciates the beauty of something not like me. I want to learn from dissimilar perspectives and eat of the unknown. I want to delight in diversity and find strength in uniqueness. God made so many different species to be explored and to function in our world in harmony. Sin made the differences fearful and ugly. But God is beautiful with all of His colors and variety. He is the master artist and I want to eat of His tree of life with the "healing of the nations" (Revelation) forever.

Lifeproofing

Jax has gotten to the age where he is just about to crawl. He lays on his belly and puts all his extremities in the air like he is flying and scoots. He has also tried leaving his shoulders on the ground and pushing against the ground with his feet usually resulting in a face plant. He has attempted the opposite version where he just lifts his chest off the ground and pulls himself forward. Jax has mastered spinning in a circle on his belly, but no crawling yet. Because he is so close, all the experts say it is time to "babyproof" the house. And the list of how to do this - extensive! It is easily a book. You have to get cupboard and drawer doohickeys to keep Jax out, non-slippery mats for inside the tubs, bumpers for around you furniture with sharp corners and edges (that look really good btw), door fences for certain rooms, all cleaning supplies need to be locked up and out of reach, soft cover bathtub spouts, seal oven door with appliance latch, cover all outlets with protectors, latch the refrigerator shut, install a toilet seat lock, any small object that could be choked on needs to be locked up or out of reach (an amazing amount of things actually), no unedible plants, no classy decorating, no fun, and you must all LIVE IN SEPARATE CAGES! Seriously, I want my baby to be safe, but how much is too much? The claim for all of these are because something happened to some baby and now you need to protect him from the 1 millionth chance of it happening to yours. But, I'll be honest, I worked in a pediatric ICU for two years and out of all the babies in eastern Tennessee and northern GA, there was one patient I had that had a tragic outcome from "accidental" things in the home. Definitely the things like put your cleaning supplies out of reach and cover electrical outlets should be done. Those are common injuries. But what happened to watching your kids and teaching them what is safe and what is not? What happened to letting them get some bumps and scratches as they learn about life? As he gets older the same dangers still exist, but they are outside of my control. He will eventually ride a bike. I will not always be there when he does, all I can do is hope he has learned enough to look both ways and watch for cars. Then, he'll drive. He'll go rock climbing and do things I'll never know about and don't want to! I can't protect him from life and experiments. All I can do is pray for him, love him, do the best I can while he's small and hope he makes good decisions. God does the same with us. He gave us His Word and now He hopes that we will heed the lessons given to protect us from harm and to save us from the mistakes we would make on our own. But He is not overprotective and allows us to learn through the bruises and scrapes of life. What a good free God!

Holding Time

I have always been a very impatient person. I will pay extra for something to be done 5 minutes faster. Time is more valuable to me than money. I feel like money is replaceable. I can never get moments back. My husband disagrees with me on this regularly. Money is more valuable than time because it represents the future for him. He lives very much in the future. I live in the present. Some people live in the past. I honestly can't even remember 5 minutes ago. And the future is never certain as evidenced everyday to me in my profession (a nurse). Jax adds a whole new dynamic. As an infant, he only knows the present. He has not learned the value of a dollar or what things cost. He also does not understand time or its relevance. In my job and life, I am always trying to figure out how to make things more efficient so I can do more in my present time. With Jax, there is a new element to life and presence. He takes, no... he holds time. I have to feed him slowly as he is learning and enjoying each and ever bite. He likes to play the same game over and over again and giggle with delight as though it is the first time he has played. He likes us to sit and stare at each other as he explores my face with his hands. He knows how to be present. It's all he knows in fact. With Jax, efficiency is not a goal. Enjoying and discovering are what he is interested in. My present mentality is shifting because of him. I ditch efficiency for a smile or to hold him while he cries. He is who I want to be present for. Patience is being learned as I am discovering the beauty of embracing moments that may get other tasks behind, but that I may never experience again. Or that Jax may never experience again. I am giving him my time and it may be one of the best gifts I can give him. "Come. Let us rest awhile..." Let us be fully present in the moments that matter most. With our friends, families, strangers, coworkers, and most of all God. God has so many moments for us that we rush by and miss. Lord, help us to know when to stop and when to go. Like the game "red light green light." Guide us to what matters most and let the other things fall by the wayside. Make us good stewards of every moment that You have blessed us with. Amen.

Peas and Bananas

One of the best things about being a parent is all the "firsts." To watch his little face enlighten with joy as he embarks on a new discovery is priceless. Jax is almost 6 months now, so the discoveries are starting to happen daily as his little mind is awakening and his sight and mobility have strengthened to capture more of what is around him. Crawling is coming too soon...My favorite recent adventures have been new foods. At about 5 months and one week we started him on solids. I'll never forget his first bite (he does the same thing with each new food). He pauses, moves the pureed item around in his mouth for a couple of seconds, looks at me, and then quickly opens his mouth for another bite! Peas were his first experiment. And he gave me this look like, "Why have you been holding out on me?" Today we did bananas for the first time. His first "sweet" food. And again, I got the face of magical wonder as he tasted the deliciousness of his first fruit. My life is so much more exciting than it was before Jax. As he experiences and sees everything for the first time, I feel as though I am too. I find myself wanting to eat his food even though I've had it a million times before. But somehow his is so much better than what I take for granted. I am excited to show him his first squirrell (sp?). I can't wait to make his first snowman. It will be amazing to run in the rain for the first time. And, oh! when he understands and experiences the love of Jesus as His own. Life is fresh, new, and ALIVE again in more ways than I could have imagined. May this be our experience with God as well. May we rekindle and find that first love, that first passion, and thrive in the experience of His grace.

A couple of sickos

My husband caught a nasty cold last week. Then, Saturday, it caught up with me. And then Monday it followed my son around until he couldn't outrun it anymore. Thankfully, Brennon is better (my hubbie) and now it's just us - a couple of sickos. This is Jax's first cold. His little nose is congested (and baby's are nose-breathers), his little voice is crackly, and he does not yet know how to cover his mouth when he coughs and sneezes :) His little throat hurts and this all makes it difficult for him to eat. Breaks Mommy's heart! And it occurred to me that I cannot protect him from all illnesses. This is only his FIRST cold, maybe even for this season. There will be more. And there will be flus, and chicken pox, and bee stings, and sprained ankles, and broken bones, and.....broken hearts. I can aid him in good decision making, how to turn the worst into the best, and I can hold him when it's hard. But, I can't save him from the harm in this world. All I can do is point him to the One who has already given His life to save him from this world of woe. And help prepare him for when He comes to take us to our happy home with no more sickness, no more fear, just blessed peace and fullness of joy. And hope/pray that through example he learns to grab hold of Him on his own.

Road Trip for Love

Jax and I just took a rode trip....ALONE. What is normally a 10 hour drive became a 12 hour drive, what normally would be two stops was about 5 (not bad really), and where I used to listen to my favorite musical groups and dance in the car, I now listened to lullabies and children songs. This could have been very difficult, but because I love my boy and his company so much, all I cared about was the trip being as easy for him as possible and that he was not feeling abandoned in the back seat by himself. When I dated my husband, he loved to get up early in the morning and go for walks (I do not enjoy getting up early), but I adjusted to his earliness because I wanted to spend more time with him. When we love someone we are willing to adapt and adjust to help make life a little better for them and sacrifice so we can be together. In the church, sometimes, it seems like we expect everyone else to adapt to us - in music, in order of service, in friendliness, in initiation of greeting, in giving, in food, in preaching, etc. I think Paul said something about this, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves..." Phil. 2:3. Sometimes I think Jax teaches me so much more than I will teach him.

And the baby gold medal goes to....

Recently I've become aware of the amazing amount of stress of competition babies come into the world with. Immediately, people say "He is the cutest baby ever" or "Oh! She just has the sweetest smile!" or "Wow, he is very advanced developmentally!" You rarely hear, "You have the ugliest baby I have ever seen" or "Your baby is just not the sharpest toy in the box." At least not to your face. We seem to have an obsession to make sure our children are keeping up with the Smiths (just tired of the other name). I remember as a child overhearing my parents talk with my aunts and uncles about our athletic abilities. "Well, Brandy can blah blah blah." "Well, you should see my daughter blah blah blah." Why do we feel the need for our children to be "better". Is it for the lack in our own lives? Why do we feel that we need to be better than others? And what is the standard for what is better or what is best? I was always "good" at track, but sure enough there was always someone who could run faster. And even if I was able to be the fastest person on this planet, someone in twenty years would break my record. And even if no one could break my record, there is is whole universe out there that can travel faster than I can think. And even then, if I was the fastest mover in the whole universe, what then? Am I loved more? Do I get to escape the hands of death? Is my worth of greater value? To whom? So, why are we obsessed with comparisons? In heaven, the first shall be last and the greatest are those who serve most. I think I remember a conversation similar to this where Jesus' besties were asking who is the greatest, who will get to sit next to Him in the hereafter. Jesus was like, "You guys don't get it. You don't realize what your asking for." And they died martyrs deaths. Who is greatest, who is best is not based on IQ scores, athletic ability, the amount of money you make, or how fast your child can learn to talk. There is only ONE GREAT, there is only ONE BEST, and as long as He is my standard, I will always fall short, and I will always be in exactly the right place. The only person I should be comparing myself to is myself, so that in the light of Jesus Christ and through His strength I can become the unique wonderful beautiful person He created me to be. I hope my son grows up knowing there is nothing he can do or be that would make me love him any more or less. He is loved because he exISts, and no other can earn his place in my heart. It is not earned, it is given. Freely. No strings attached. Just love.

A Beautiful Mess

So today I'm feeding my sweet baby boy, and he suddenly pauses sucking, his eyes squint a little, he looks off to a far away place, and the rumbling begins. I have seen and heard this many times when my tiny baby is releasing his seemingly large bowels. No worries! He has a diaper. We will finish our feeding like usual, burp, and then change. The last two days he has...um...digested so much that it has come out the back of his diaper and through his clothes and onto me (both times at church functions - always bring extra clothes!). Anyhoo, so while burping him I though I would peak behind him to make sure no leakage had occurred. And, PTL, I thought, it was indeed visible, but just to the very top of the diaper. No leakage! So I take a moment and hold my baby sweetly to my chest in a moment of relief and sweetness. A few minutes after this warm snuggling I carry him into the changing room and gently pull him away from my chest to find my shirt completely stuck to his thigh. Oh yes! It did not leak out the back, but out the front and created a large spot of formed formula the size of a plate on the front of my shirt. His entire leg is coated and he thinks this is all hilarious :) Obviously I need new diapers. But, in that moment, in all honesty, the joy on his face actually dispelled the messiness of the matter. And I realized that life is messy, LOVE is messy. We are all too sinful to get things perfect al the time and the things we make to try and hide or prevent or clean up our imperfections sometimes make them more visible. But God has given us so many better things to focus on like butterflies, kittens, rainbows, trees, small breezes, freshly baked bread, friends, family, the smile on a baby's face...His own Son revealing the goodness and grace He has for us, and the promise of a future without messiness. Perfection. But, (side note) I have always wondered if we will have bowels in heaven (I would think so since we seemed to have them originally) and how that will play out there. Maybe a little messiness will still be there ... :) Either way it will be overshadowed by the amazing beauty of heaven and joy.

Somebody's Baby

Everyone tells you when you are having a baby that it will "change your life forever." And though you think you understand what they are saying, you really don't until the change hits you like a bomb falling from the sky. The change isn't bad. In fact it is definitely potentially the best thing for you in your life. It is just the AMOUNT of change. I expected it to change my sleep patterns, my daily routines, the cleanliness of my house, my priorities, my social life, my experience in the depth that you can love something, my body, my nursing skills, and my marriage. I didn't expect it to change WHO I AM. And maybe it didn't. Maybe he is just bringing out different parts of me that were unused. I'm not sure, but the world looks different now and I view people differently. Suddenly, everyone is "somebody's baby." Everyone had a Mom who gave birth to them who carried them in their womb and sustained their life. Everyone was loved. Maybe not to the same degree, but everyone was loved. So, now it is more difficult to watch the pain of others and to judge so harshly because they are somebody's baby and might as well be my own. They were once this adorable, little adventurous, curious creature that lights up the room with a smile. And life genetics, circumstances, SIN caused those babies to change into whatever they have become. And my boy will be influenced by all of that as well. And then there is God who has adopted each one of us as His Own. Who knows every hair on my head (which isn't much these days, but I read that it grows back, PTL!). Can you imagine when He created Adam and Eve and loved them so much said, "Be fruitful and multiply" because I can't get enough of you. I need more of you for all of eternity! So, here we are. Here are the human beings on this earth. Here is my boy. I am not the same person anymore. I cannot judge as harshly. I feel more compassion. I NEED more of GOD. Not just on an intellectual level but like a physical need for food. The closer you get to Him, the more you feel your NEED of Him. Praise the Lord that "nothing can separate us from the Love of God" or I would be toast already. Hell would have come early for me. But my God who sees us all as His children has compassion on me. Hallelujah.

He is Jealous for Me

One month ago I had to rejoin the ranks of the U.S. working force and leave my baby boy to the care of...others. Don't get me wrong, I have some amazing caretakers. My husband watches him on Sundays or Fridays and my friend, Michelle (who is an OB nurse) watches him on Wed or Thur. I'm only working two days a week, but at two different hospitals. Each of them begging for me to work more days each week. This is a problem. I will NOT be away from my baby more than two days a week. I may help with a half shift on occasion, but no more than that. Not only can I not handle being away from him more emotionally, but i feel like I physically ache when I am away from him too much and I feel sick to my stomach. They are little for only a short amount of time and I am jealous of that time. I am jealous when he giggles for the first time at the babysitters house.I am jealous when someone else is holding him. I am jealous for every smile. I want to experience these precious moments with him and when he gets older and its time for him to experience things on his own than I will have to learn to let go, but not at 3 months old! I have jealousy issues. This got me thinking about how the Lord feels about us. "For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord is a jealous God" Ex. 34:14, "For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God" Deut. 4:24, "Thus says the Lord, 'I am jealous for Zion with great jealousy, and I am jealous for her with great wrath.'" The Lord is jealous for us. He feels the ache of separation when we separate ourselves from him through our choices and sins. He is jealously desiring our attention and reconciliation with Him regularly. So much so that He was willing to be separated from His own Son through Hell and back in order to be with us. I can't imagine that kind of separation from my son. What powerful Love!

To sleep or not to sleep?

One of the biggest challenges we have had with Jax is his sleeping pattern. As a newborn, we were so blessed! He never slept less than 3-4 hours in a stretch. Then, around two months he started getting fussy and irritable during the day and his sleep patterns at night were starting to shorten :( So, we got two books - "Baby Wise" (the updated and revised version - much less harsh, quite flexible actually) and "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child." We tried the second one first and it was a difficult read and not very user friendly. However, 3 things we gained from it have helped immensely! First, recognizing the signs of when Jax is getting "overtired" and putting him to sleep before he gets there when he is in a sort of "quiet awake" state. Don't wait for him to show signs of tired that is often too late and makes it more difficult for them to go down. Second - Putting him to bed for a nap after 1-2 hours of awake time (which includes feeding and changing diapers). For Jax this was more like 45 minutes we discovered for about a month. He is just getting to the point where he can stay awake 1-1 1/2 hours at a time before "overtired" kicks in. Third - putting him down for the night between 6 and 7 pm. The first night we did this he slept for about 6 hours and the second he slept for 8 hours. He is now sleeping 7-10 hours per night in one stretch. From the first book (BW), we got the routine of sleep, then feed, the play which allows some structure with him eating every 3-4 hours during the day. Before this, he was starting to eat every 1-2 hours only small amounts which was not good for anybody (unless it is a growth spurt). This routine gave him some structure with flexibility that has made for less irritability and easier nap patterns. So, after six weeks of experimenting this is what has worked for us! And though 6p seems early it ha been really nice to have our evenings and he is sleeping better and noticeably happier! PTL! It is amazing how sleep can completely effect our attitudes, our efficiency, our perspectives, our spirituality, everything! Now I just need to get my sleep patterns in order :)

Language of Babies

www.babysignlanguage.com

Really excited to try this! It will help me understand Jax and teach him things early on. My cousins kids were learning colors and were able to communicate their needs more effectively than crying. Love love love anything that helps eliminate crying as the communication tool!

The Cry for Home

The past couple of weeks have been overwhelmingly ooc (out of control, for those who don't know). We went on vaca to Sunset Beach. Beautiful, awesome, and in the middle of our vaca we got the call that my husband's grandfather died - on Father's Day :( So, we packed up our stuff and went up to Maryland for another several days. My poor baby has been out of whack. He has never cried so much. He travels super well in the car and then when we get to a new place, he cries for the next 24 hours every time he is awake. When we got home he didn't do this. He peacefully returned back to whatever and however we were living before as though there was no interruption. I heard a quote from Maya Angelou this morning, “The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned.” Where is home? Is it a place? Is it a person? Is it a dream? Is it a pet? Is it a family home or Grandma's porch? Is it a church you grew up in? Is it in Mama's cooking? Is it a country or a state? And, does it have to be somewhere we've been before to truly feel like home? Or can it be somewhere we hope for? My life has consisted of much change and movement. When I think of home on this earth I feel the pangs of disappointment and loss. And in asking myself these questions there is one vision that appears over and over in my head as where I feel like I'm most home - my head resting on the chest of Jesus as He holds me close and whispers to me that "everything is going to be okay." Maybe not here, but I have a home awaiting me where there will be no more heartache and loss and pain and death. Just peace like a river with the Savior stroking my hair fully loved and accepted as I am.

Calming the Inconsolable

What a week it has been! We just took as vacation to the beach to meet up with Jax's cousins for their very first meeting. This was a nine hour drive, an adventure of carseats and diaper changing (without diapers since somehow we managed to leave them twice!), and formula formula formula. In the car we were like, "Wow! We have the perfect travelling baby." Not a peep was made from the little angel in a onesie. Then came the next morning of wailing and the afternoon of wailing and the evening of wailing. Then we were like, "Who is this child?!?! I have never met him and someone excercise him please!" I guess the traveloling and transitions were just too hard on him. And as frustrating as it was, what made it worse was the fact that my husband and I argued most of the trip. Not because of anything except WHO got to be the one to console him. We each wanted to be heroes and wanteed to feel that we could soothe and comfort him. And I thought, "Wow. To love something so much that even when they are at their worst the love is unchanged." I hope we always feel that way and my desire is for Jax to know that no matter what he does we love him no less just as His heavenly Father has loved us.

How will Jax eat?

This morning I was feeding my baby boy and I realized that we are all born completely dependent. So much so that we will actually die without another human's intervention. We cannot feed ourselves, quench our own thirst, wash our own bodies, protect ourselves from the elements, and some newborns cannot even breathe on their own at the beginning of life. Why would a Creator design us this way? Why would we be made so vulnerable? Isn't it interesting that God Himself is made up of three beings - the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We live in such an independent world that teaches us we need to be able to "stand on our own" and "fight for ourselves" and "do what is best for you." But maybe that is not what we were created to be. Maybe we are supposed to be interdependent. Maybe we are supposed to need each other. And just maybe things work best the more we work and live interdependently with one another. "For the Body is not one member but many..." 1 Cor. 12.

Is Jesus Enough?

While doing weights at the gym this morning (for the second time in probably a year), I was listening to a song about how Jesus is enough. It got me thinking - is He enough? So, I looked up the definition of enough which is as follows:

Noun
-adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead.
Pronoun
-an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.
Adverb
-in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently.
Interjection
(used to express impatience or exasperation): Enough! I heard you the first time.

When I think of the word enough, I think of something that just satisfies, is adequate, or sufficient. Is that really a good representative of Jesus who wants to give us life and give it abundantly?! Jesus is so much more than enough. He doesn't just quench my thirst, He makes me so I never thirst again! He doesn't just satisfy my hunger, He fills me with food everlasting! He doesn't just heal my wounds, He restores my soul! He is the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the End. Who/what can compare to the overwhelming love and supply that God has for us? Is He enough? No. He is far surpassing what our feeble minds can even think or dream. He is not enough. He is ALL.

The Battle of Nutramigen

Baby Jax was born with food "sensitivities." They won't call them allergies because they cannot be tested for like an allergen. There is really no way to know exactly what the sensitivities are except by eliminating groups of foods and adding small amounts back in one at a time to see which one causes a reaction. The most common of these "sensitivities" is milk for infants because the size of the protein is too large for immature bellies to digest. So, that was the first culprit. Thankfully, they grow out of this around one year of age.
Since I was breastfeeding I had to eliminate any kind of dairy including whey, casein, lactose, anything that has the protein in it. Since I was a strict vegan for three or four years this was not too difficult for me. ( I have many great recipes and cookbooks for those who need/want them).
They check for reactions by checking the stool for blood (not visible in the stool PTL!), but when they apply a certain chemical, the stool will turn blue if there is any. One week after being off dairy, it was still blue. So, we eliminated soy (not easy for a vegetarian!) One month after that, the stool was still blue. Now, we have to get rid of peanut butter and eggs. I am watching all of my food options disappear. And Jax not getting better :(
Then I got some GI bug that caused all sorts of nasty, you don't want to hear about, for several days. My breastmilk supply plummeted and I didn't have enough to feed him, so we put him on Nutramigen to supplement because it is made for babies with these sensitivities. He did amazing on it! His grunting/straining decreased immensely, his stool cleared up to perfect, and he was feeling overall better just after 24 hours! We were stunned. I told the pediatrician and she said she has never seen it work that fast, it must be a coincidence and he probably just got better. So, back to breastmilk we went and back to bloody, mucus stools. So, now comes the dilemma of whether to keep eliminating and letting him be miserable or giving up and going with Nutramigen. We attempted doing both and he still reacts. Only Nutramigen by itself clears him up (which, btw, is like the most expensive formula).
This broke my heart completely because even though breastfeeding has its challenges it was also some of the most precious times of my life. I have never experienced something so beautiful as the being able to provide the nutrients of life to another tiny human dependent on you. And though formula is fine to give Jax what he needs, I felt devastated. I was sad, for one, because I felt like a failure as a Mother. Almost like a Father not being able to provide for his family. And two, I loooove the bonding time and how it strengthens him to me (so many spiritual parallels). And, oddly, I also felt disappointed at the idea of not having to sacrifice my diet anymore. This was the strangest feeling for me because I had read in the Bible "Count it all joy when you go through trials..." James 1:2. And many other references to the joy of GETTING to sacrifice for Christ or others, but I never understood it because I'm like, "Yeah, I'm willing to sacrifice, but I don't generally like it." And yet here I am sad because I loved that I got the privilege of sacrificing for my son. It made me feel closer to him and it was loving him on a whole new level where he was more important than myself. And suddenly, again, I realized a small portion of how God feels about us. And also the joy of the martyrs who were able to sing hymns of praise to their Lord as they died on His behalf. What love! What sacrifice! God, please grant me the love for you and others on the level where I am filled with joy at the opportunity to sacrifice.

PUPPP and JAX

Jax was due on May 2, 2011. At 35 weeks into my pregnancy I developed a rash around my belly button. The itching drove me crazy, but isolated in one place it was tolerable. Within the next two weeks it spread to my arms, legs, butt, and whole stomach. The doctor had me on Benadryl and Zyrtec everyday with some hydrocortisone cream. Nothing helped! It felt like I had poison oak all over my body and could get no relief. The only momentary alleviation was when I would take a cold bath which was another kind of misery within itself. I was diagnosed with a rare disorder called PUPPP.

The only cure is birth! This is so miserable I can't even begin to explain. I was able to wait until 37 1/2 weeks but my PUPPP began to multiply by the hour and so my OBGYN recommended a rushed C-section if his lungs were developed enough. They were! PTL! So Jax came on April 14, 2011. After a short NICU stay for him (for antibiotics) and a speedy recovery for me, we were home after two days.

Unfortunately, it still takes PUPPP a couple of weeks to disappear. So, here I am miserable AND have this new-born baby. Prayer was my constant! It was to slowest two weeks of my life and now I am itch-free (though i did get a small case of poison oak after, the irony) and loving Mommyhood with all its challenges and joys.
Everyone told me before I had a baby that it would change my life forever. And though this is true, I would more accurately say in my experience that it changed my heart. Something happened when Jax was born from the first cry as he came out of the womb. Suddenly the world looks different. It looks more tangible and full of life and humans are more beautiful and I have a strange new compassion I didn't have before. God looks different. He looks colorful and wild and soft. The love He has for us is amplified through my baby's eyes. For the first week I cried when I would look at him and it was just the two of us. Im sure some of this was postpartum, but it was also experiencing a deeper love than I had ever experienced before. And then came fear of losing him. And then came a minute fraction of understanding of how it must have been to give His Son on the cross. And then came trust that if He was able to give up this great love for us that He would always have my best and Jax's best in mind so that no matter what happens, and no matter what pain we may experience, He will give us strength to endure and heal our broken hearts until the day comes when we are all in harmony face to face abounding in love with no more separation and no more death. Life is forever changed...